Remembering a friend...

I received news this morning that one of my precious friends passed away. She had a brain aneurysm burst on March 29, 2015 and she has been in the hospital fighting for her life since. She was an absolutely amazing woman. Simply amazing. There are no words to express the grief in my heart. She could light up a room with her smile. She served at St. Jude's and she had a such a missionary's heart. She loved Brazil. She went on several mission trips there over the years, and her Brazilian friends loved her as well. She loved to sing. She served as our children's choir director ever since I can remember. I worked so many years along side her and watched as she poured her heart into her choir kids. She was so gentle and kind and patient with them. She exuded Christ's love. This is a picture of her babies. She worked so diligently with them. I so wish she could have been there to see them sing their praises to God.

She was also quite the UK fan....

and she absolutely loved her family.....

Especially her grandbabies....

She and her husband Joe were definitely made fore each other.....Soul mates....

She was so many things to so many people. There are no words to say to explain how much she will be missed. She touched so many hearts. Please pray for her family and everyone that loved her. This world will never be the same without her here. 

The need to speak when you have no words....

So, I know that I have been needing a blog like this, but I guess I have just been fighting it. Not sure why. My hopes are that this blog will not only help me process my emotions, but also help other cancer moms know that they are not alone in this. Which is something that I struggled hard with and still do. So many emotions that I thought were exclusive to me, I have found that many parents with children diagnosed with cancer also feel. It is such a relief knowing that you aren't the only one and that their are others that relate to everything that you are feeling!!

     I have so many people that ask me how I am doing...and I have no other reply than, "I'm ok". That isn't the truth, in fact far from it, but the amount of baggage that could be unloaded in that response no one person has the time for. We would need to schedule appointments that included a chaise lounge chair, an unlimited source of tissues and cucumbers to combat the puffy eyes that will follow these said sessions... you might even need a session yourself when I'm done. There are many times when the perfect opportunity does present itself to unload, but I can't...I'm in my "BE STRONG" mode and while in this mode I can't "feel". My emotions are turned off so that I can have a somewhat productive day. I have a lot of people say, "You are so strong, I don't know how you do it." What they don't realize is, I don't do it. I do not face the gravity of my daughters cancer everyday. My spirit has ran and hid deep inside, it's my shell you see walking around. There is no way that I would be able to get up every morning and get myself dressed and go about my day if I didn't. I have days when I don't feel and I can function, and other days when the load becomes too much to bear and I cannot hold them back any longer. I just sob. Uncontrollably. My grief is suffocating. I start having anxiety attacks and my chest hurts and I feel as though I can't breathe. These are my stay at home and hide from the world days. Once I let enough out where I can get a hold of myself again....I retreat back into my shell until the next time.  

       That's all that I have time for tonight...So, pull up a chair....and stay for a bit. Please feel free to message me if you like. I'm just a fellow cancer mom trying to survive.